I just stumbled across the first jokes I ever wrote, and I thought I’d share them with my tens of fans out there. Keep in mind that I wrote these when I was 15-16 years old, and that they’re awful jokes:

1. I used to love candy. My favorite of all was NERDS, but i had to stop eating them one day because I realized that me eating NERDS is basically cannibalism.

2. I think cops actually cause more accidents than they prevent. When you’re driving down the road and you see a cop up ahead, what do you do? You slam on your brakes and struggle to get a seatbelt on. I mean think about this: next to every accident you see there is always at least one cop. Coincidence? I think not.

3. The other day these kids wanted me to play strip poker with them, but I was like, “No thank you. With a body like mine, I’d be a little more comfortable with strip solitaire. With that game, I always get a good hand.”

4. I don’t get why girls can say things that guys can’t. A girl can say that another girl looks hot without any problems. But if I guy says that another guy looks hot, people are all like “You’re so gay! … Rob.”

5. Some black kid once told me he hates it when white kids act black, which I can understand. As an Irish-American, I can’t stand it when I’m in a club, and I see some black guy with a whiskey bottle in one hand, and a shillelagh in the other, just jiggin’ away to Danny Boy. I’ll just go straight up to them and tell them, “Listen, you’re not my mick! So stop frontin’!”

6. When I was getting a job at K-mart the manager asked me how I felt about drug-testing at the workplace. I was like, “Well, I guess I’d enjoy it, but I don’t see how any work will get done with everybody testing drugs.”

7. No other character can be as sexually satisfied as the wife of the Energizer Bunny.

8. The other day my dad told me a story about a girl named Betsy Sue who was the captain of the cheerleading squad and the prettiest girl around. He started to brag about how, although she resisted, he eventually hooked up with her. I had to interrupt him. I put my hand against the glass and said, “Dad, that’s my sister you’re talking about.”

9. When I first saw a porno at age nine, I was disgusted and thought “I’m suppose to stick my weenie in that?” A lot has changed in ten years. I now love looking at pictures of naked men.

10. I think if cantaloupes could talk, they’d be like “Dude, you should probably stop eating me. I think you’ve had enough” … because that’s what the magic mushrooms say.

11. The worst thing about my little brother getting hit by a car was the dent it left in my bumper.

This entry was posted on Tuesday, November 14th, 2006 at 8:40 pm and is filed under . You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.