It’s that time of year when people get charitable and send cans of food to Africa. Don’t send them food!

Send them copies of Teen Vogue. It’s much cheaper to just give those girls self-image problems.

Can’t you hear one of the natives now? “Y’all, do these neck rings make me look fat?” *

* She uses “y’all” because she’s from Southern Africa.

I just stumbled across the first jokes I ever wrote, and I thought I’d share them with my tens of fans out there. Keep in mind that I wrote these when I was 15-16 years old, and that they’re awful jokes:

1. I used to love candy. My favorite of all was NERDS, but i had to stop eating them one day because I realized that me eating NERDS is basically cannibalism.

2. I think cops actually cause more accidents than they prevent. When you’re driving down the road and you see a cop up ahead, what do you do? You slam on your brakes and struggle to get a seatbelt on. I mean think about this: next to every accident you see there is always at least one cop. Coincidence? I think not.

3. The other day these kids wanted me to play strip poker with them, but I was like, “No thank you. With a body like mine, I’d be a little more comfortable with strip solitaire. With that game, I always get a good hand.”

4. I don’t get why girls can say things that guys can’t. A girl can say that another girl looks hot without any problems. But if I guy says that another guy looks hot, people are all like “You’re so gay! … Rob.”

5. Some black kid once told me he hates it when white kids act black, which I can understand. As an Irish-American, I can’t stand it when I’m in a club, and I see some black guy with a whiskey bottle in one hand, and a shillelagh in the other, just jiggin’ away to Danny Boy. I’ll just go straight up to them and tell them, “Listen, you’re not my mick! So stop frontin’!”

6. When I was getting a job at K-mart the manager asked me how I felt about drug-testing at the workplace. I was like, “Well, I guess I’d enjoy it, but I don’t see how any work will get done with everybody testing drugs.”

7. No other character can be as sexually satisfied as the wife of the Energizer Bunny.

8. The other day my dad told me a story about a girl named Betsy Sue who was the captain of the cheerleading squad and the prettiest girl around. He started to brag about how, although she resisted, he eventually hooked up with her. I had to interrupt him. I put my hand against the glass and said, “Dad, that’s my sister you’re talking about.”

9. When I first saw a porno at age nine, I was disgusted and thought “I’m suppose to stick my weenie in that?” A lot has changed in ten years. I now love looking at pictures of naked men.

10. I think if cantaloupes could talk, they’d be like “Dude, you should probably stop eating me. I think you’ve had enough” … because that’s what the magic mushrooms say.

11. The worst thing about my little brother getting hit by a car was the dent it left in my bumper.

A BEGINNER’S GUIDE

A lot of fellow young people ask me what first steps they should take when trying to become a stand-up comedian. I thought I’d make a nice little blog explaining it.

The two main rules are: 1. Keep Writing and 2. Keep Getting Up.

Keep a small comedy journal on you at all times and write down every funny little thought you have. Or at least keep a big notebook at home and write down something on your hand so you can remember when you get there. Constantly writing is the most important part of being a comedian. Most of the things you write won’t be that funny, especially at the beginning, but that’s okay. You never know when you’re going to stumble upon a premise that people love, which brings me to the second rule.

Once you’ve sat down and attempted to write punchlines for all those premises, you have to try them out on a crowd. Hit up as many open mics as possible. Every time you go on stage, you’ll learn something new. Even if you don’t do a new joke, you’ll gain confidence in the old ones, and maybe you’ll improvise a new “tag” (the additional lines that follow punchlines.) If you’re doing it right, it should be an immense filtering system. I write about 3 jokes a day, and then I try them out of friends. If my friends like them, I’ll try them on stage. I’d say I try about 20% of the jokes I write onstage and about 10% of those I actually keep in my repertoire. In other words, I only keep 2% of the jokes I write.

A good site for learning where the open mics are is www.ChuckleMonkey.com

Now that your writing some jokes, here’s some quick tips on how to make them better. Make sure you put the absolute funniest part at the end. I can’t stress that enough. I see so many shitty comedians say unnecessary words after the punch. For instance, the first draft of one of my jokes was: “When I use a public restroom, I tend to make a game out of my urination, going for distance and accuracy. Last week, I tried to hit a cigarette, and the guy smoking it was pissed off.” Much funnier once I changed the ending to “I pissed off the guy smoking it.” Hold out on the reveal for as long as possible.

Secondly, make sure there’s a funny twist in the joke. The best jokes have some sort of reference to something you usually don’t associate with that premise. It’s about making weird connections. For instance, if you’re talking about building a house, you could somehow relate it to playing Jenga. Except don’t actually use Jenga, because that’s very cliché or “hacky.” Also avoid topics like Viagra/Cialis, Valtrex commercials, or Michael Jackson. It’s been done.

Once you’ve got a decent 5 minute set, start asking around for who books shows. You’ll probably meet bookers at the open mics. It’s all about networking. Probably the best tool for getting booked is putting video of yourself online. This is very easy.

First, borrow a digital camera and tape a show. If you can’t get a show at a decent place, produce it yourself. Put out flyers and get all your friends and family to come. Tape your set. Now “capture” it to your computer. Now go to www.YouTube.com and upload the video. Once that’s complete, you can put it on your myspace page by copy and pasting the section called “embedded video” onto the “About Me” section. Now go myspace all those bookers and ask for an audition or “guest spot.”

Once you have 15 minutes of solid material, you should ask for a “guest spot” at one of the A-level clubs (like an Improv, Funnybone, Connections, etc) in your city. If you know a comedian who already works there, have him recommend you. Or, if you’ve really got balls, call up the club pretending to be a manager and saying you want to take a look at . I’d save that shit as a last resort though.

Obviously, I’m not the end all authority on comedy. But once you start meeting other comedians, you’ll get plenty of advise on these things, whether you want it or not. And if you don’t, just smile and nod. Don’t be a dick when people are trying to help you (or anytime for that matter.) Remember, it’s all about networking. If you’re a nice guy with any talent and you follow these basic rules, you’ll be on your way.