Kevin Jonas, of The Jonas Brothers, has announced that he’s engaged.  Now he’ll have to wear a wedding ring to symbolize that he doesn’t have sex.

Mark Sanford said he had a “love story” with his “soul mate.”  What he should have said was, “Did you guys hear about Michael Jackson?”

Governor Sanford seemed to defend his infidelity more than he apologized for it, saying that he’s a Republican, and at least his affair was with a woman.

 In Ohio, a woman was giving an eye witness account at a police station when an injured baby squirrel suddenly popped out of her cleavage.   The squirrel complained that he’d been boobytrapped.

In Ohio, a woman was giving an eye witness account at a police station when an injured baby squirrel suddenly popped out of her cleavage.  She was quoted saying, “This was a whole lot more than a simple squirrel in my cleavage.  This was a love story.  A forbidden one, a tragic one, but a love story at the end of the day.”

Michael Jackson’s body has apparently disappeared.  Officials say explain that it’s very hard to find a corpse when it looks like a ghostly white skeleton.

NBC News’s Michael Okwu said, “Michael Jackson will only die once.”  Which is so true, but let’s not forget that his music will live forever.  As will his nose.

In Canada, a gorilla pulled a knife on another gorilla after a zoo-keeper left it in her cage.  Dick Cheney suspects it’s a terrorist plot by Canada to form guerilla warfare.

An Oregon man called 911 after he claimed McDonald’s had robbed him of his correct change.  In suspicion with the crime, police have arrested known felon The Hamburglar. Michael Jackson’s body disappeared.  Police suspect it was the handiwork of a smooth criminal.